This is Punny Stuff
Captain’s Blog, stardate two-zero-one-one-point-one: Today is for laughing
All too often our days are filled with trials and tribulations. Stress walks with us every step of the way. Or so it seems sometimes.
When I broke my neck in a wicked car crash several years ago I never forgot the words a true philosopher, a lofty sage, the night nurse in the neuro ward at Royal Columbian Hospital in New Westminster, B.C., who said to me once it was established the prognosis for recovery was good, “Well Captain, after what you’ve been through you know not to sweat the small stuff in life because now you know EVERYTHING is small stuff.”
So with those pithy words in mind forget all those troubles, box up all your cares and woes and stow them away somewhere while we partake of a dose of just what the doctor ordered, a medicine bottle full of puns and laughter:
(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to the pawnbroker, Croesus, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”
“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
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(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
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(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
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(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people who used them often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”
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(6) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
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(7) The famous Viking explorer Leif Erickson returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
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(8) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
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(9) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”
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